I am a student of English department of Semarang State University, Indonesia. For the time being, I'm in the seventh semester. I'm still doing KKN, the course where we do in the real society, particularly in underdeveloped and/or remote villages. We give our contribution on the development of the village where we are plotted.I am in this semester. Still survived and trying to be more survived with my choice. You know, being in this semester is an achievement for me. It needed a strugle, long long strugle.
From the beginning, I didn't like studying English. English was my biggest enemy. I choose English department not because I want to choose, but that was my brothers' choice. They suggested me to take English department. To be honest, I had no choice in my mind at that time because I didn't know whether I would go to the University. Yeah, when my mother suddenly supported me to go to the University, I got confused with what department that I had to choose. I never thought my desire before, so I just follow my brothers' suggestion. That was my biggest fault, entering the field that I very hated. My English was not good at all. I disliked English since in the junior high school.
At the first day I went to the University, I got very depressed, I cried, I regreted. The teacher there speak in English and I don't what they're saying. Most of my friends spoke in English fluent. That made me more depressed. "Oh God... Why am I here?" But I could still stand at that time.
Untill the fifth semester. There was no change with me. I still felt difficult in this field. That was for the first time I felt difficult in studying. That's why I got so depressed. When I did practice teaching in one of the course. I felt so nervous, and yes my performance was so far from good. Then, my generous teacher asked me, "Why don't you look enjoy with your teaching?" I didn't answer. "Was English your own choice? I wonder if you are here not because you want to be here." I said nothing and my eyes are getting wet. Next, She, my beloved teacher, gave me advice. An advice that would change me. She said, "Enjoy your condition. You look suffered. Accept what has happened to you. The acceptance of your condition that can make you happy. There is no use regreting your destiny. Open your heart, so you will feel at ease." yeaah, I was in tears, I was really really in tears in front of my friends looking at me. I cried not because my friends gave critiques to my teaching performance, but because she knew my feeling, she knew the deepest feeling that I hode from all of my friend. I pretended as if I'm Ok with my choice, i'm Ok i'm Ok. All is well. But, she... T.T She had read words saved in my heart.
I couldn't stop crying. Until I went to my boarding house, I still cried. I thounght, I need to make a decicion to change my life. I thounght getting out from this hell (English Department) was the only way to make me satisfied. A decicion that will make a change. A decicion that would make my happiness come back.
For several days, I just stayed in my boarding house. I was absent for several days. Times to times I cried. Times to times I thought what will be my decicion and what the risks of my decicion are. That's was the worst condition. What a pity I am. hixz hixz hixz
Some of my friend adviced me not to risign. But I rejected their advice. The one who make my decicion changed is he, I called him my spiritual teacher. Oh no, my bin. Oh no no no, my tissue. Whatever...! He's always there for me. He always listening. He warns me if I have mistaken. Let me call him my faithful friend.
He said something when I told him my misery. You know what he said? " I don't feel sorry for the fate that happen to you, but feel sorry for your way of thinking." This is the words that I remember most.
So long advice so that I cannot retell fully with my own words. But, I'll try to make it short.
"You will dissappoint your family if you resign. What kind of satisfaction will you get? After that, Is there guarantee you will be happy after you resign? I don't think so."
"Ut, you need to be patient. Start with willingness. The more you close your heart the more difficult you get. If you with willingness let/receive your destiny, with God blessing, you will fell something called happiness. One day, you will understand. Love what you have and have what you love. Then you will fell at ease."
Yes friend, finally I have understood. I have family, so without any reason I must love them coz they are my family. Just like family, English is something I have, something I have choosen. Therefore, I have to love English. And for the next, I must choose/have what I love, not the others love.
I have also prove that everything started with willingness will run smoothly and easy. No, I love English, I love teaching English, I love seeing students and share my little knowledge to them. Seeing students really make me happy. Maybe If I had decided to resign I would have regretted. Dissapointing my family, friends, and even me myself. Thanks God for the valuable experience. I learn much from it. I know you have beautiful planning for me. Thanks friend, you made me think wisely.
All institutions looks so dirty in my eyes. This is not because the floors are rarely washed or the poor buildings. But because of the dishonesty of the people in it.
